My Angel

I know I know....Ive been gone too damn long. I don't even know where to begin w this blog. The biggest thing that has happened to me thus far, would be me going into labor too early & losing my baby. The last time I blogged, I was making the announcement that I had just found out I was pregnant. Well, on February 23, 2010 at 3:07am I gave birth to a baby girl. I was only 23 weeks pregnant & in labor for 4 days. I began having really bad contractions, I went to the hospital right away. When I got to the hospital I was already dilated 2cm, by the time they got me to a room which only took a few minutes, I was already dilated 5cm. My labor was progressing so fast, that the doctors thought I would have to deliver right away. The doctors were able to delay my labor for a few days but could not send me home bc my water had broken. As the days went by it seemed like everything was going OK. BUT one day the doctors came to my room & told me that the baby had began to rest on her umbilical cord, which was causing her to lose oxygen & that she could possibly be delivered a stillborn, if I didn't decide to deliver right away. Along with me delivering early, there was a very high chance that my baby would not survive, bc she was premature & her lungs were not strong enough. This was one of the HARDEST things in my life I have ever dealt with. Even to sit here & type all this makes me tear up. I decided to go ahead & deliver early & let God handle whatever comes after. When it was time to push I barely pushed one time & there my angel was. To be honest I was nervous about seeing the baby bc I didn't know if she would be fully developed yet or not, being that I was only 23wks. But the doctors assured me before she arrived that she would have all of her limbs. Doctors also informed me that she may not cry when she comes out bc her lungs are not fully developed. When my baby was born the doctors rushed her away to try to keep her stable. A few mins later we were able to see her. To describe how I felt is unbearable. She looked exactly like the female version of her dad, except w my nose. I held her, & immediately I just wished I could change the situation. I wish there was something that could have been done to keep her here longer. I felt like running away w her & never coming back. BUT..... my angel only lived for a hour & a few mins. She will forever more be the love of my life. If I could have given myself to have her here I would have. She's my everything. I love her more than anything. I think about her everyday. She will always be in my mind & heart. ALWAYS.

Doctors do not know what caused me to go into labor so early or even if it will ever happen again. Still to this day there are a lot of questions running thru my mind. Some of these questions Ive asked over & over again, & still there is no answer. Google has been my best friend w trying to cope with this. Ive discovered I'm not the only person that this has happened to, I'm not the only one that feels like this or has a million & one unanswered questions. The best answer that Ive came up with, is that everything happens for a reason.

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!

You'll NEVER believe this. For the entire month of October I was sick as HELL. I felt like I was damn near on my death bed. I was having really bad menstrual cramps, that couldn't seem to get cured by anything. The cramps rolled over into November, & I never had a period. I decided to take a home pregnancy test last Thursday, & to my surprise the results were POSITIVE!!!! To say the least I was shocked. For the longest I have been told by my doctors, that it would be VERY difficult for me to conceive. Still being in shock the next morning after taking the first test, I decided to take another home pregnancy test & the results were POSITIVE AGAIN!!! I made a doctors appointment, & I found out that I was almost 9wks pregnant & should be expecting a baby around June 12, 2010. My family & I are so happy about the arrival of the new baby. I almost feel like a different person. I will be updating my blog more regularly & keeping y'all posted.

I HAVE.....

This is something that Ive NEVER blogged about. BUT in my short time away I used that time to figure out somethings about ME. Something a lot of ppl not even my friends know about me is that I have P.C.O.S. What is that you ask? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. P.C.O.S. occurs when a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can lead to irregular menstrual cycles or NO menstrual cycles at all. P.C.O.S. is also the number one cause of infertility in women. Of course if your not having a menstrual cycle, then your not ovulating. P.C.O.S. can also lead to other issues as well such as weight gain, depression, acne problems, & hair loss. It can also lead to heart disease or diabetes, IF you do not take care of yourself. I was diagnosed w P.C.O.S. a little over a yr ago. I knew something was wrong bc I would go for months w/o having a cycle. I think Ive even went 6mos w/o having a cycle. Having PCOS @ times can be very difficult bc this is still a disorder that doctors do not know much about. I was put on birth control for 6mos so that I could I have regular cycles. The birth control has done what its supposed to do, as far as regulating my cycles. BUT then there is the after effect of having PCOS & nothing to help it. There is nothing to cure P.C.OS. & in my opinion doctors simply want to put a band aid over the situation. While I was on the birth control my cramps were a lot milder & & I didnt have to worry about losing hair everytime I ran a comb or brush thru my hair. Recently the cramps that I have had have been brutal. Dam near ubearable. & then of course there is the occasional weight gain. Not to mention my hair sheds, ridiculously due to the syndrome. So I decided to help myself. I did a little research & discovered a site called pcoschallenge.com. This is a site where women from all over the world that suffer from the same disorder can come together, & voice their opinions & frustrations about the disorder. Discovering this site has shed light on a light of things in my life. I now feel like I have a better understanding of why I feel the way I feel. The best solution for women w PCOS is take charge of their situation bc if you don't & get leave you angry & depressed. So far the only things that can help the syndrome are various meds, depending on how bad your situation is, & also exercising & eating health. For now I'm dealing w the situation. My situation is not as bad as others, so I'm thankful for that. Of course there is the fact that I will someday like to have kids, I wont let this disorder discourage me. I just like to think that everything will happen when the time is right.

Changes

Ive decided that Im going to take a BREAK. Take a break from blogging, social networks & all that other good shit. Dont know how long this hiatus will last for. BUT I just feel I need to put more time towards myself. The past few wks its been one thing after another, & quite frankly IM TIRED. Im ready for a change. In my previous post I discussed how unhappy I was etc etc. & now I just feel like I need to go back & re-evaluate certain shit. I need to figure out whats best for me, & what makes ME happy. Ive decided against blogging bc I dont want to keep focusing on the negative shit. I want to log on sometimes & just write about happy shit. Now thats not to say that I wont be reading other blogs & commenting. Ive deleted my facebook & myspace pages ONLY bc I feel like thats a total distraction & something that I can do without. Im not going to say that Im going to completely neglect twitter BUT I wont be on as much. I hope I can use my extra time to gather my thoughts & find myself again.

......

i was debating whether or not to blog about my issue simply bc i do not want to turn my blog site into a depressing ass rant, BUT i was left no choice. my head has been banging every since i got out of bed this morning. i know exactly why my head is hurting, its called stress. right now im just not happy. theres no other way to put it. im miserable. im unsure about a lot of things. i feel like over the past 2 or 3 yrs that i've lost myself. im not the same person that i used to be. i know that im more mature & more wiser than 3 yrs ago, BUT something still is not right. i feel like my life is just going in circles, like im not really getting or going anywhere. last night i sat down & i asked myself when & where did i go wrong. to be honest, i think my problems all started after i decided to stop attending nursing school. i was 18 or 19 @ the time, my first time being away from home, & i was just ready to do me. nursing school wasn't too difficult to for me, BUT i guess i just couldn't find a way to balance my social life in w school. now that i think back i was stupid to quit school. the only reason i say i was stupid was bc i gave up school to be w a worthless ass nigga. thats when i lost myself. everything became about me & him, instead of me just worrying about myself. since that relationship i have learned a lot. never sacrifice shit for a man, unless he's your husband. right now im not feeling like i want things to be perfect in my life but.... i already know @ this point in time i need to just focus on me. i need to figure out what makes me happy. ive been contemplating putting my relationship on hold, just so that i can regroup. im not even sure a relationship is what i want anymore. right now i feel like i just prefer being alone. ppl ask all the time what is your idea of happiness, & sad to say i don't know. that statement alone is sad to me, not knowing what makes you happy or lifts your spirits. i will get it together, BUT i need to know where to start......

same shit (cont)

I wasn't going to blog about this issue twice, BUT Khaki left me a comment on the previous post asking why I was so annoyed w my mom. Some of y'all may know why just from reading previous post. I was just sitting @ my desk @ work, & I'm like OK maybe I should just forgive & forget, BUT that shit is hard. & it gets even more hard when the problems keep consistently happening. My issues w my mother go back as far as I can remember. Ive always said I felt like I was treated like a step child. I felt like I was treated like a step child bc of the way my mother spoke to me & treated me. Their would be times where she would be verbally abusive, as well as sometimes physically abusive. I'm not saying she was beating me like Ike beat Tina, but like I said in the previous post theres a certain way to go about doing things. Theres definitely a certain way to discipline your child, without leaving them all fucked up in the head. My whole thing now is, I do not feel respected, nor do I feel like she cares about my thoughts or opinions. For example a couple of wks ago, I ran into a little bit of financial trouble, nothing BIG just needed a little something to help me out, until payday. Well who better to call on than your mom, especially in your time of need. So I called her & explained to her what I needed the $ for, & I also let her know that I would pay the $ back in the next 7 days. For starters when I called her, it was as if she was ducking & dodging me... for what IDK. I called her house several times & each time I was given a different reason, as to why she could not come to the ph. Clearly if I'm calling you like a mad woman, theres obviously something that I need to talk to you about. Finally after a few hrs of just trying to get her on the ph, she calls me back w major attitude. To make a long story short, she said that she wasn't able to loan me any $ & that was that. I'm very well aware that were in a recession & that folks don't have a lot of $ to spare & all that other shit. But I'm not gone front, I really needed that $. & for her to turn me down, I felt that she was just being mean. & the only reason I can not come to grips as far as her not helping me is bc, she does petty shit like call & brag to me about all the new shit that she got, BUT yet you cant help me when I need you. I'm the type of person I will not ask another motherfucker for shit, unless I have no other choice. & @ this point there were really no other options. To say the least about the situation, my feelings were hurt, hurt to the point where I broke down crying. Everything has just built up over a period of time. I feel as though she has never really been there for me. Looking back, I felt like she only did the minimum as for as being a mother to me. I know that sounds harsh, BUT that's how I feel. Its just a lot. Ive tried to re-establish a relationship w her & it failed. I just don't get it. I can call her about certain issues whether it be me frustrated w work or my relationship, & she always shuts me down. So now its just to the point like why am I trying to fix something that cant be fixed. My hands are tired. I just deal w shit the best way I can, & try to block out all the other bullshit. Ive said I was going to talk to her about everything, BUT that still will not change the way I feel about her or our relationship. It Is What It Is.

demanding

My fellow bunny Khaki sent me a txt over the wknd, saying she was waiting on a blog from me. To be honest, nothing much has been going w me, besides the norm. BUT my mom did call me on Saturday morning while she was already in route to my house, & TOLD me she was coming to visit. She didn't bother to ask if I had plans, if I felt like having company or anything. SMH Whenever my mom comes to visit, I always feel like my life is flipped upside down, my whole mood & everything else changes. So anyway she tells me she was bored @ home & decided just to get in her car & drive to STL. Keep in mind she lives 2hrs away from me. From there I had to get up & put on clothes & shit. I was @ home chilling, minding my own business, lounging around in my PJ's. So during our conversation on her ride to my house, she tells me that one of her friends really wants to visit her while she's here in STL. She then TELLS me that her friend is going to stop by my house to see her. WTF? I was annoyed from there on. How the hell can you just invite yourself & YOUR company to my house? I'm so tired of being disrespected by her. I do not live alone, my boyfriend lives w me. My house is just as much his, as it mines, being that we've lived together for 2yrs & he pays bills just like I do. Call me mean or whatever the fuck you want. BUT this shit has got to STOP. I've got to figure out a nice way to tell her exactly how I feel. When she gets to my house she has an unopened bottle of liquor w her. So she goes into my kitchen to fix herself a drink, while she's preparing her drink she asked my boyfriend if he wanted some, of course he replied yes. So then she asked me, I said NO. First of all her & I do not care for the same liquor, & besides that I wasn't in the mood to have a drink. I was more concerned about how long she was going to be visiting. After I told her NO I didn't want a drink, she says well why don't you want any? I'm thinking to myself does it really matter why I wish not to drink. Then she says well what do you drink? As if she doesn't already know. So her friend stops by, I spoke to her & that was it, I continued doing what I was doing on the computer & trying to ignore their conversation. Her friend visited for maybe an hour. On their way out the door, my mom noticed the decorations that I had on my living room wall. She asked me where I got them from, & how much they cost. UGH! I hate when ppl ask how much something cost, that is so damn tacky, I just hate it. So I told her the store where I purchased the wall decor, & gave her some random price of how much the items cost. So she says on her way out the door, oh I'll be bk next wknd to purchase your brothers car, then you can take me to that store, & then she said something like so be ready. I just looked @ her & said OK. Its like when I'm @ my apartment & she says there, nothing I do or say matters she's in control. & I'm tired of feeling like that. Everything I have, I got myself, never asked for a co-signer or anything else so why does she feel the need to come to my home & act as if I owe her something. She also TOLD my boyfriend that next wknd when she comes back, she's going to need him to do something w my little brother involving the car that she's about to purchase for my brother. Don't get me wrong my boyfriend is very helpful & doesn't mind doing anything for anybody, but theres a certain way to go about doing things. I mean she basically came into my home & demanded shit. Even my boyfriend noticed how BOLD my mom was being. Sometimes I think she does certain things out of spite, like wiping her hands on my decorative towels in my bathroom. Anybody in their right mind can tell the difference between decorative towels & hand towels. I've came to the conclusion that I need to talk to her, bc if I don't things will only get worse.